Mind Games

So, I went for my monitoring appt. today expecting to be told that even IUI was off. When I was getting my b/w done, the nurses were going through my file just to make sure they were running the right blood tests and there was a note in the computer that my IVF was converted to an IUI. Fine, expected that.

When I was having my u/s, today's dr. measured 8 follicles. Yes, 8. I don't think I have ever seen 8. They were all small (2-6's, a couple of 7's and an 8), but there were 8 follicles (I guess that's why I was calling them chicklets). So, I asked the doctor some questions about triggering for IUI, what would we do different for the next IVF cycle and she looked at me strange. I told her that the Dr. on Saturday told me this was converted. Today's Dr. told me that it isn't over yet - I need to take my meds for 2 more days, start the cetrotide tomorrow and go back on Wednesday! (Cetrotide will keep me from ovulating).

OMG!!! My head is spinning! Of course, I fully expect a phone call later telling me something different (they have to wait for my b/w results and all the doctors meet on Monday's to discuss their IVF patients). But still!! To go from, you are most likely cancelled to you might still be on!

I said it is almost like having your boyfriend break up with you and then 2 hours later saying he wants you back!!

I will update again IF I hear anything different.

A word to the wise

A quick word to the wise - NEVER get your hair done when you are upset.

I should mention that I got the disappointing news yesterday when I was about 2 minutes away from my hair dresser.

I got my hair colored the way I wanted, but when she asked what I wanted to do with the style, I said CUT IT. My hair wasn't super long to begin with, but I wanted it even shorter.

I LOVE my hair dresser. She knew I was upset and she would not let me do it. She did cut some off, but she wouldn't go as short as I wanted her to go. She knew I was feeling reckless and she stopped me.

Oh, and I love the way it looks. The front is the same, but my back is shorter.

Feeling Better

I am in a much better place today. We still don't know what we are going to do going forward, but at least I don't feel so hopeless. We are considering going for a 3rd opinion, but haven't made that final decision. We don't know if we should go for donor egg. We don't know if we should start the adoption process and use our last 2 egg retrievals.

We are concerned about the costs of adoption and I have made no secret of that. Today, my mom told me something that sent me into another round of tears. She told me that Frank and I don't have to worry about the costs of adoption. Not only will my parents help us, but our cousins will help too. She said that back in December my cousins told my parents that they would lend us the money to help us adopt if needed. What makes this even more touching is that their only child passed away when he was 23 years old. Their gesture of lending us the money has touched me more than I can even describe. I hope that we won't need it, but just knowing it is there . . . , well, you get the idea.

I mentioned the word hopeless before. I never realized how powerful the word "hope" is. Hope is what keeps me going - I keep hoping that I will get pregnant and stay pregnant. I keep hoping I will have a baby. Until there is no hope, I will not stop trying.

Not a good day

Today's monitoring appt. did not bring good news. First, the follicles weren't even big enough to be measured. And then I got the phone call from the doctor with my b/w results - my estrogen level is dropping (not surprising since I was told to stop taking estrogen). But, she said I had a better response when I didn't take the estrogen before starting the stim. shots (the estrogen before stims was recommended to me by our 2nd opinion dr.). So, IVF #3 is cancelled. I was told to take my meds for 2 more days and MAYBE we will be able to convert it to an IUI, but if I still don't have a good response on Monday, everything is cancelled, I will wait for AF and try again, this time going right to stims.

To say I'm disappointed and upset is an understatement. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. All I want is a baby. Why is it so hard? Is someone trying to tell me something? Is this a case of those dreaded words "It's Not Meant To Be"?

I don't even know if I want to go for an IUI, it hasn't worked before. But, being the sadist that I am, I feel you just never know. Frank's been taking vitamins to help his sperm quality, so maybe there is that one sperm that will make it.

Needless to say, Frank and I have a lot to talk about - do we do donor egg or do we do adoption (we can't afford both). Do we start the adoption process and in the meantime use up our last 2 egg retrievals? I wish I had the right answer.

Not much of an update

There really isn't much of anything to report. I went for my Day 4 b/w today. I am still on the same dosage as before and I have to go in on Saturday morning for more b/w and an u/s. I'm curious to see what the u/s will show (hopefully lots of growing follicles) b/c I'm feeling a little bloated. I know I'm eating a little more than I should, but there is no way I would be feeling like this from food. I hope the bloated, a little twinge here and there, is a good sign.

Also, I am going for acupuncture twice this week.

I forgot how draining it is to get up early every other day (soon to be every day) to go to the doctor to be poked and prodded. I just have to keep up my mantra - it's for the greater good, it's for the greater good.

Here we go!!

So, AF started yesterday. I went to my dr. today for my Day 2 b/w and u/s. Unless I hear differently, we start our shots tonight and Frank starts his antibiotics. We are starting with 450 Follistim + 2 menopur. This isn't are largest dosage - last time we did 450 Follistim + 3 menopur - so this leaves us a little bit of "wiggle" room this time. We do this dosage for 2 days and then I go back on Thursday for just b/w. Frank and I are very excited to get started again. For now we just do shots and pray. I think there will be a lot of praying coming from our household over the next couple of weeks.

Other than that - work has been crazy (this is our busy time of year). Our Easter was good. Frank's sisters came to our house for the first time on Saturday and it was a nice lunch. On Sunday it was just Frank and myself and it was a really good day. We just relaxed and hung around the house. I made a ham (only the 2nd time I have done that) and it came out great. What was even better was we that we had our Easter dinner in our sweats in front of the TV. Doesn't get much nicer than that!

How did I know?

Since I hope a part of my blog will help people understand infertility, I should probably answer the question of how did I know there was an issue?

Years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis (scar tissue that surrounds the ovaries, etc.). I hadn't had a problem in years, but I always thought I would have a problem having a baby. As soon as Frank and I started TTC, I started using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor to help determine when I ovulate.

After 7 cycles and nothing happening, I called my OB/GYN to see if we could figure out why I wasn't pregnant yet. My OB/GYN ran a bunch of tests and myself and Frank. For me it was bloodwork on certain days of my cycle, internal ultrasounds and an HSG and for Frank a sperm analysis. (As a side note, an HSG is when they shoot dye into your uterus to see if you have any blockages in your tubes. The procedure lasts only a couple of minutes.) I was shocked when all of my tests came back good (the HSG was clear!). However, we were told that Frank's SA (sperm analysis) wasn't terrific. It seems that his sperm would rather float than swim. Apparently, this is very common. After we received these results, we were recommended to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). And the rest, as they say, is history.

Getting closer . . .

I went for a progesterone blood test today and everything looks good. I was able to start my estrogen today (part of my new protocol). I will take the estrogen until my 2nd day of stimming, and then I'll start again after my retrieval.

Now all I have to do is wait for AF and then I will go back for my Day 2 b/w and u/s and get my schedule and the rest of my protocol. If all goes well, this will happen in one week or less.

I can't believe how emotionally vested I am in this already. I'm trying to remain calm, but it is already creeping into my every other thought. Deep breaths, deep breaths . . .

What happens if it doesn't work?

I have such a supportive group of family and friends and for that I am very grateful. But the question remains, what if we can't have children? I know there is always adoption, but the chances of us adopting are pretty slim (since we are both older).

My parents left us a message on our wedding video during the "interviews" that they want us to have lots of babies. But, what happens if we can't have babies? I know my mom is being supportive and optimistic by saying that we can always adopt if I can't biologically have a child, but she has never said to me, it's OK if you can't. We'll still love you. A part of me feels like this is just adding to the "pressure" of having children.

And, I'm not trying so hard to have a child just to please her. I want a child so MH and I can pass along our values, strengths, humor, life lessons, etc. to that child. I want our lineage to carry on. MH is such a wonderful caring man, that it would be a shame to not have that carry on.

What happens if it doesn't work? I hope to not have to find out the answer to this, but until I get a positive pregnancy test and STAY pregnant, this question is always on my mind.

pneumonia

I have pneumonia. I'm in shock. I wasn't feeling well for the past couple of weeks - I had that ever-lasting cough. On Sunday we have my family over to celebrate my dad's b-day. But after everyone left, I felt like I was having an asthma attack so I asked Frank to take me to the hospital (I had already used my nebulizer and it didn't work). After a breathing treatment and chest x-rays, the doctor said that my lungs aren't as clear as she would like them to be. So, I was put of out work until Wednesday and am on a really high dose of antibiotic. Thankfully, after the 1st dose of antibiotic and the breathing treatment, I started to feel better. The coughing has subsided for the most part (I'm not annoying myself with all the coughing) and I can take a deep breath without coughing.

And that's what's been happening in my world.

Oh, my big 'ole box of meds for our next IVF cycle are supposed to be delivered today - Yipeee!!! All I can say is, thankfully I have insurance that covers this.

Back in the saddle again . . .

I had my Sonohysterogram this morning - all is clear! Yay! I talked with the nurse afterwards and they are going to order my medications for my next cycle. I am so excited! It has been such a long road to get to this point.

Of course, now there is a whole other list of worries - will I produce enough eggs to do IVF; if I get to IVF will the egg quality be good; will I get pregnant; will I stay pregnant? I'm trying not to think of those questions/worries right now. I am trying to stay positive - I know in my heart that I'm doing everything I can (except lose 50 pounds). At this point, it is mostly in G-d's hands.

I don't know how many people read my blog, but if you do, if you could please add Frank and I to your prayers, we would really appreciate it. Oh, and thanks for reading!