My last week turned into my last day

Steven Bryce arrived on at 6:03 p.m. on Monday, December 15, 2008.

I had a doctor appointment that Monday morning - a non-stress test. When I got hooked up, the baby's heart rate was low, but it picked up and stayed up. When the doctor came in to check me, she didn't like the low rate and told me to go straight to the hospital. I was like, what, I'm having a baby today? she said yes. i asked if I could at least go home and get my bag (and the cord blood registry kit) and meet my husband there so we would only have 1 car at the hospital. No go. I was told to head to the hospital immediately. So, I called dispatch at Frank's job and was told that Frank was out on a call. I told to bring him back that it was time.

I was in complete shock and made a ton of calls on the way to the hospital. Frank meanwhile was able to run home, grab my bags and the cord blood registry kit. We were told it was going to be awhile since I ate breakfast and they didn't want to do the surgery until later in the day. When I got to the hospital, I got hooked up to the monitors. The baby's heart rate was fine, but an ultrasound showed a low amniotic fluid level. December 15 was most definitely the day. My mom and sister showed up around 2/3:00. It also turned out that the doctor that was supposed to do my c-section on Saturday was also there on Monday. Meant to be.

I got wheeled in around 5:30, given my spinal (not as bad as I thought) and at 6:03, Steven Bryce was brought into this world screaming with a full head of black hair, weighing 7 pounds and was 18.5 inches.

Recovery has been rough, but I am starting to feel like myself. Steven has been a joy and he is just beautiful. He scored a 9/9 on his Apgar and did well with his sugar levels (whew). I was able to kiss and touch him in the operating room, and finally got to hold him at about 5:00 in the morning on December 16. It has been hard to put him down since. He never took to breastfeeding, but I am pumping, so he is still getting the breastmilk.

I never knew a love like this existed. And then I met Steven.

We were discharged from the hospital on December 19. We brought Steven home in a snow/sleet storm. thankfully the roads weren't bad and we got home in one piece. I can't believe it was 1 week ago today that we came home.

Frank has been GREAT. I couldn't have survived without him. Frank does everything (and he's better at lots of things than I am).

But, with great joy, comes great sorrow. The day we came home from the hospital, my dad was put on a ventilator. I can't even begin to go into the emotions I'm feeling right now about this, b/c it just devastates me. Every day brings something new. today we were told that he is starting to make an improvment, although it is very slight. all I know is that I haven't seen him and am told that it is best that I don't see him right now.

I do have some peace knowing that he was told that he has a new grandson and he was able to see a couple of pictures of Steven.

For now I am trying to concentrate on getting myself better and raising my son.

My Last Week

Well, we are down to my last week of pregnancy. In just 6 days I will be going in for a c-section (unless the Peanut has flipped, in which case, we will be induced).

I can't believe after everything we have been through, in less than one week, we are going to be known as Mommy and Daddy. It is truly overwhelming.

These past couple of weeks have been really hard. **WARNING - LOTS OF WHINING HERE*** I am so uncomfortable and swollen. My hands are killing me. I can't even make a fist. The only comfortable shoes on my feet are slippers and Uggs. My sugar levels have also been all over the place. The good news is that my insulin has been lessened. A good clue that maybe this is just gestational diabetes. I also have constant Braxton Hicks. They are too the point where I start timing them, only for them to taper off after a couple of hours. I get disappointed when that happens. As of last Monday, I was also closed and high up, which basically means, that I won't be going into Labor any earlier than next Saturday.

The other thing going on in my life is that my dad is back on the hospital. I am going to touch upon this briefly b/c I break down everytime I think about it. They don't know exactly what is wrong with him. It has been mentioned by a nurse and a resident that it is Interstitial Lung Disease, which when you look it up, means nothing good. Basically, there is no cure, and is progressive, but it is treatable. Of course, at this point, my dad isn't getting better. He also will not be at the hospital when I give birth, and we have no idea when he will meet his new grandson. To say that I am beside myself about this is an understatement. I have only been to the hospital once (my doctors told me to go more for peace of mind than anything else). I wore a surgical mask and didn't touch anything. I also purelled after touching the buttons for the elevator. I am not allowed back to the hospital b/c of all the diseases around there (my dad is in the Medical ICU ward). this is also hard. I also feel bad for my mom b/c she feels guilty when she isn't at the hospital, and she keeps promising me she will be there (and here) when the baby is born. Frank and I are still deciding if we should get a baby nurse to help us instead. but, we will wait to make that decision after we get home from the hospital (my mom will mostly help us out the 1st day or 2 and my sister will go to the hospital to see my dad).

I am also thinking back about everything we went through. I will NEVER forget the pain and heartache we went through. All the needles, appointments, ups and downs. With these memories also comes the realization that there are some girls in my support group who are still going through this. They are never far from my mind and I hope that they get their miracle one day soon.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be able to get pregnant. I always hoped (which is why we went through infertility treatments), but to have it become a reality is something else. I feel so privileged that I was able to experience this miracle. The one thing I will miss the most is the feeling of my son growing inside of me. Even now, he is always moving. It is a bond that can never be replaced.

I don't know if I will post again before the baby arrives, so I want to thank everyone for going on my journey with me. I will post again after I get home, and will hopefully continue to post regarding my experiences as a mom.

last day of work

Well, here I am at 36 weeks, 4 days pregnant and today is my last day of work for maternity leave.

I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I've made it this far. Everything thinks I'm going to be so bored at home. Ha! I've never known anything but work. The most I've taken off is a couple of days between jobs. Next week I have appointments up the wazoo - 3 dr. appointments, my mommy mani/pedi and my mommy hair appointment. I hope I make it through the week.

As of last week, Peanut was measuring at about 5 pounds, 8 oz. As of yesterday, he once again passed the biophysicial, had a strong heartbeat and is as cute as can be. I was also checked b/c I have been having lots of cramps, and I am closed and high up. Good news so I can get through the weekend - having my girls night Holiday Dinner and then Hanukkah with the family (since I will be in the hospital for Hanukkah this year).

Peanut is still breech (he wants to come out butt first), so our c-section is scheduled for Saturday December 20.

I can't believe in 2 weeks from tomorrow I will be known as Mommy. I have waited my entire life for that moment and I am going to cherish it.

More to update

In non-pregnancy news: On Tuesday, November 11, my brother-in-law gave the most selfless gift - he donated a kidney to his father. As of today, my brother-in-law is supposed to come home. He is still in some pain, but doing well. His father is thriving. He was walking yesterday and the kidney is producing urine.

Lots of prayers for the "P" family that the kidney continues to thrive.

I'm a bad blogger

There has been much going on, and I haven't been updating.

I celebrated my 38th birthday on November 9. It's funny, but this felt so insignificant compared to the huge change that is going to happen in my life.

Peanut is doing well. As of today I am 33 weeks, 3 days. I have had 2 biophysical ultrasound and Peanut scored an 8 out of an 8 both times. Last week there was also a growth ultrasound and he measured at 4 lbs, 10 oz., which is perfect (according to the doctors). My amniotic fluid dropped a little bit, but they aren't overly concerned about it, but will keep an eye on it.

The nursery is coming together. The walls are painted, the shades are hung (so is the valance). The crib is put together, we have the bassinet, which we need to set up, and tons of baby stuff. All that is missing is the changing table and the glider. Once we get the changing table, and I go through everything and set up the nursery.

Due to the GD, I am going to have the baby at 39 weeks (unless he decides to make an earlier entrance). At the last 2 ultrasounds, Peanut was breech, which means, no early entrance. I know there is time for him to flip, but if he doesn't, then I'm OK with a c-section.

Frank and I have completed all of our classes: Lamaze/childbirth, baby care, breastfeeding and the maternity tour. We are now basically good to go.

As of now, I am planning on my last day of work to be December 5, which is 3 weeks from tomorrow. That is so weird. It is still so hard to believe that the time is almost here.

Someone posted on a message board that I frequest that as someone who went through infertility, we went through so much to get pregnant. Well, we accomplished that goal. For the next 9 months our identity changed into a pregnany lady and that's how I've lived my life. Now, in a couple of weeks, my identity will change again forever. In a couple of weeks, I will be known as Mommy. After everything I have been through, I am looking forward to becoming this new person, even though it is still hard to believe.

Moving Right Along. . .

Wow, so much has been happening.

On Sunday, October 26, was my shower. I knew the date, but didn't know where or anything else. It was as wonderful and beautiful as I thought it would be. My sister and mom did a FANTASTIC job. I had a great time and Peanut got a lot of great presents. And, of course, I cried numerous times throughout the day. My dad's Donor Family came, which was a nice surprise, and also very touching. I will never forget that day, even though it did go by in a blur.

I thought my sugar levels evened out, but they are now all over the place. I bottomed out last weekend (both Saturday night and Sunday night, or should I say in the middle of the night). The first time I was so scared. Thankfully Frank was there with a steady hand (being an EMT helps) and helped me out. The second night I didn't wake him and I was able to bring my levels up alone. But since the, they've been all over the place.

I have had 2 non-stress tests so far Peanut is all over the place. He is definitely a mover and shaker. Next week I start my twice-a-week appointments - a non-stress test one day and a growth/biophysical ultrsound on another day. I'm excited for the u/s b/c I get to see Peanut again, and hopefully we will get an update as to when we can expect his arrival. I was already told that I would be having Peanut before his due date. We just don't know how early.

Other than sciatic pain, pressure, braxton hicks, and being tired all the time, I feel great! LOL

Pregnancy is nothing like I thought it would be, but I would not trade this experience for ANYTHING. I feel very blessed that I get to experience this miracle.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

At seven pm local time, across every time zone, all are invited to join in lighting a candle in remembrance and honour of little ones loved and missed.

This blog entry today is dedicated to my lost babies (and embryos). Your daddy and I will never forget you and we will never forget the pain of losing you.

I have Gestational Diabetes

So, I never even made it to my 3 hour test. I took the 1 hour glucose test on Friday morning. I expected to fail (most women I know failed their 1 hour). but, I wasn't expecting to be told that i was being admitted to the hospital. I got a call at about 8:50 Monday morning telling me that I not only failed the 1 hour, but I was being admitted. The doctors' office cut off for passing is 135. My blood sugar came in at 343. No, that is not a typo. I have full blown GD.

I went to the hospital as a direct admit. Once I got settled in my room, they took my blood, I had an u/s, was put on fetal heartrate monitor and was finally given something to eat. I was told that my blood sugar was now going to be tested 2 hours after every main meal (b-fast, lunch and dinner) and first thing in the a.m. (before eating). I was also told that I was going to learn how to do this myself.

The good news is that the baby looked great and had a nice strong heartbeat. Also, all of my blood levels/electrolytes came back great. their only concern was my blood sugar. The doctors think that I could have had diabetes before I got pregnant and the pregnancy just made it all worse. We won't know for sure until about 6-8 weeks after the baby is born and we will test me again.

I was released from the hospital last night (after a 2 day, 1 night stay). Just before i was discharged, i was told that I was being put directly on insulin (apparently my sugar was so high that even pills and diet won't work). so, I give myself injections every morning, before dinner and before bed. At least I have experience in preparing the needles and giving myself injections! Oh joy! i am also on a 2200 calorie diabetic diet which is A LOT of food. In fact, by the end of the day, I am so full it is hard to get all the food down.

I am in shock b/c I was feeling great. The only "sign" that i was aware of that something might be wrong is that for the past couple of weeks I have been REALLY thirsty. Like I can't drink enough. My main concern now is doing what I have to do for Peanut. I know that the baby is only as good as I am since I am his main provider, but I will worry about me after the baby is born. My main concern right now is keeping Peanut safe. Starting at 32 weeks i will be seeing my doctor 2 times per week for close monitoring. 1 day will be on a monitor to check his heart rate and to check that I'm not having contractions. the other day is for an u/s to make sure he isn't too big (which is a complication of GD).

I am going to be strong to do this. I did have a minor meltdown in the hospital b/c a part of me thinks it's my fault. I was overweight to begin with and a part of me feels that I put my baby in danger. What the doctor tried to tell me was that even the thinnest of women can end up with GD. It is just a "side-effect" of pregnancy in some women. she told me not to be hard on myself and to know that I'm now doing everything i can for my baby.

I will get used to the shots and testing my blood. but, the thing that scares me the most is the diet. I'm still allowed carbs, but now I have to watch for and account for EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth. I didn't become overweight by doing this. It is going to be an effort for me to eat right. i know what I have to do, but I am scared to do it.

On a positive note: yesterday morning my fasting (first test in the a.m.) blood sugar came in at 190. this morning, after 2 doses of insulin, it was 157. I pray that things continue to get better.

Moving Along

Things are moving along in Preggy-ville. I'm getting bigger and bigger (didn't think it was possible). I now can't see my feet if I stand up straight and if I look straight down all I see is a big 'ole beach ball.

But, Peanut is moving and kicking all the time and I still giggle about it. Frank can now feel most of the kicks, which I'm happy about and so is he.

We have chosen a name, but we aren't sharing it just yet. We couldn't decide between 2 names for a first name and knew what initial we wanted for a 2nd time. Well, I had been saying both names when talking about the baby to see what it was like to call him by his name. Frank and I were out to dinner last weekend and he said one of the names. I said, I guess that Peanut's name and he said I think so. The next morning we decided on his middle name. I will reveal Peanut's name in due time.

This past weekend we picked up the paint for the nursery. My mom will paint the nursery and my sister will paint the border. I can't wait! It is going to look so pretty. We also bought our digital camcorder this weekend. We went with a Sony Handycam. I am very happy with our decision. I can't wait to start practicing using it!

Other than that, I had to go to the doctor last Friday b/c I had some cramping. I was monitored and checked out and everything looks great. The doctor is pleased with how everything looked. When on the monitor, either Peanut was playing with me or he was not happy about having his space invaded (I had to press down on the heart monitor) b/c he kicked the ENTIRE time I was hooked up. It was everything I could do not to bust out laughing. I also gained 6 pounds, which upset me, but the doctor didn't seem concerned. This Friday I go for my 1 hour glucose test.

I can't believe that I am 26 weeks 1 day pregnant. I am almost in my 3rd trimester! And, my shower is in 1 month. Woo Hoo!!

24 weeks

I can't believe I am 24 weeks already. It still boggles my mind.

I'm feeling pretty good - or as well as can be expected. I also feel huge and can't imagine getting any bigger.

I had a great dr. appointment 2 weeks ago. I lost a pound, the baby looks greats and my cervix is still growing nicely. I still have the previa, but the doctors don't seem concerned about that. My mom went to the dr. with me since she was away for the Level II, so she got to see Peanut on the ultrasound. She was so excited and I was so happy to have her there.

We are starting to get the nursery ready. My sister picked out colors (she is SO much better at that than I am, and it was nice to involve her). So, once we pick up the paint, my mom will paint the room and my sister will paint the border. Frank and I just have to finish clearing stuff out of the closet.

In other exciting news - Frank felt the baby move for the 1st time last night. Peanut was having a party and I was able to feel him on the outside, and my stomach even moved, so I knew Frank would be able to feel it. At first Frank thought it was gas (thanks Dear!), but then he felt a kick. He said it wasn't what he was expecting and it felt weird. I told him he should imagine it from my end!

Other than that, just waiting for my next appointment where I get to do the glucose test (fun!).

Level II Ultrasound Update

Yesterday was the Level II ultrasound. I feel bad for any parent that has never been able to experience this. It was AMAZING!! We were able to see just about everything on our little Peanut. We saw parts of his brain, we saw his kidneys, his diaphram, we saw all 4 chambers of his heart. We saw his bones, his spine, his little nose and his little lips. We saw him sucking his thumb AND we saw the goods. No being shy at this appointment! woo hoo!! We saw the amniotic fluid in his stomach and in his bladder. Very cool!

Everything measures right on schedule. He also weighs approximately 12 oz. He is also a VERY active little boy. He is gorgeous if I must say so myself. LOL

I don't think I could ever get tired of watching him on the ultrasound. After all was said and done, I turned to Frank and said: I can't wait to kiss his toes and kiss his nose, to kiss his lips and his fingertips.

Also, the doctor is pleased with how I'm growing. The placenta previa is just about cleared up and my cervix is a good measurement. If things continue the way they are, he thinks I could possibly have a natural delivery. But, this could change at any moment. I'm OK with either way, as long as my baby is healthy.

My next appointment is in a couple of weeks. From this point on, until I get closer anyway, I will be going every 2 weeks - which is also fine with me. I would rather be monitored too closely than not.

Frank and I have already chosen a day care (we just need to reserve a spot). Next on our list is choosing a pediatrician, deciding on who to use for cord blood donation, and registering. In fact, I am going to start registering today. My sister offered to go with me and I am taking her up on it. Frank and I will go to choose the bedding and today, but my sister and I will do the bulk of it together. I am SO excited about that!

As for me - I'm getting a lot bigger, and feeling pretty good (considering I'm pregnant in the summer).

Things My Husband Doesn't Understand

There are things that my husband just can't understand about me being pregnant (heck, I don't understand it all either). But, I thought this list would give someone a chuckle.

1. My bigger boobies have a purpose and are not for playing. My boobs are getting HUGE! Well, huge for me anyway. And yes, they are a novelty. But, what my husband doesn't understand is why he can't play with them. Because they hurt! They are still store (some days are worse than others). My nipples are so sore that it even hurts to wear a bra. Of course, I'm probably not a help b/c there are days that I will walk up to him, lift up my shirt and say, did these get even bigger? Feel how heavy they are?

2. Why on some days even his breathing annoys me. He can't understand that my hormones are so completely out of control. Even if my "problem" is not logical, I still get upset/annoyed/etc. over it. There are days that I just want to go to sleep alone and he can't understand that his breathing in bed next to me when I'm trying to sleep drives me crazy.

3. How a person can have so much gas in them. I don't get it either. But, let's just say, that I could probably fuel a car across the country I have so much gas. He also doesn't understand why it is OK for me to expel it and not for him. My response - see #2 above.

4. How I just do have any desire to eat, especially my favorite foods. I don't understand this one either, but for me, it just is. He knows I USED to love chicken. But now, I can't eat it. It isn't like I gag from it, I just have no desire to eat it. I feel so full and bloated, that I don't have any desire to eat more than ice cream some days. Yet, he still feels the need to want to cook chicken for dinner.

There are just a couple of things that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. If you have any to add, just let me know!

Catching up

It has been a couple of weeks since my last entry, so I thought I would catch up in what's been going on.

Last week I had a trip (and an overnight stay) at the hospital. I hadn't been feeling great (it was very hot and humid here). By the 2nd day of feeling lousy, and having some pain in my abdomen, I went to the dr. They monitored me (no contractions, found hb right away) and then decided to send me to the hospital for some tests. Why the hospital? This way the results would be in a lot faster than if the same tests were done at the dr.'s office.

Off to the hospital I went. They hooked me up to a monitor again and did an ultrasound. Got to see Peanut - he waved at me and gave me a nice swift kick! They also drew some blood and then I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally my dr. came in and said that everything looked great. All of my test results looked good. BUT, they were keeping me overnight for observation. They wanted to make sure that it wasn't appendicitis. So, after a sleepless night in the hospital in the high risk unit of the maternity ward (sleeplessness was b/c people kept coming into the room for my roommate or b/c my IV alarm kept going off), I was feeling much better the next morning (except for lack of food and sleep), I was freed. We have no idea what caused me to feel the way I did (dehydration, virus, just being pregant?), I am feeling better.

This week Frank and I went looking at day care centers. We saw the 3 that are closest to us and think we made a decision. For now, this place will work for us. As our child gets older and our needs change, we might need to re-evaluate, but we both like our first decision (I asked for his opinion before I stated mine). We can't agree on a 2nd choice, but at least we like our 1st choice.

And, I'm starting to go through the Baby Bargains book and coming up with a list on what to register for. This is so completely overwhelming. I thought it was tough when registering for my wedding. This is nuts! Thankfully I have my sister, great friends and a wonderful message board of women who can help me with what to choose.

Next on our list is our big Level II ultrasound. I'm both excited and nervous about this. That is in 2 weeks. After that, we can register and start interview pediatricians.

As of the time of this post, I am 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant. NUTS!!

As for how I'm feeling - I get a lot of small headaches and I'm constantly tired. There is still some nausea, but nothing horrible. I do feel bloated and full all the time, so eating is still a challenge. And, every once in a while my feet start to swell. But, considering I'm pregnant, I feel pretty good!

Had an U/S yesterday . . . .

And, it looks like we are TEAM BLUE!! We are having a boy.

Well, we think we are.

The baby's heartbeat measured at 174 (nice and strong) and we have a VERY active baby in there. The u/s tech had a hard time even getting the h/b because Peanut was swimming all over the place. And then she moved the wand down and Peanut's legs were crossed at the ankles and his foot was covering the goods. After a couple of minutes, the tech said, It's a Boy and pointed it out.

When I look at the u/s picture, it almost looks like it is the umbilical cord. But, I've had dreams of blue, felt like it was boy, and did 3 of the Chinese Gender Predictors and all 3 came out boy, so I'm going with it. Our BIG Level II u/s is in mid-August, so I'm hoping all will be confirmed then.

No matter what the gender is, I really just want a healthy baby. Now it is time to pick names. We had a girls name all picked out, but we can't decide on a boy's name. Frank has a name, but I'm not thrilled with it. This is fine with me. Half of the fun is choosing a name.

I still have the Placenta Previa, but the doctors don't seem too concerned yet. I also gained 4 pounds which they are happy about (I had only gained 1 up until this point). I also don't think it was a complete 4 - both of my other weigh-ins were earlier in the day, so I had a couple of meals in me by now, plus snacks, plus lots of water. So, I'm guessing I only gained like 2 or 3 pounds in the past month. that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

I'm feeling pretty good. I haven't had any spotting in about 2-3 weeks (knock on wood). It has been hot and humid, and I can't tolerate it like I used to. My only other complaint is that i am getting a lot of headaches. But, I was told that this is to be expected. I am growing and look further along than I am and that doesn't bother me in the least. I LOVE showing off my baby bump. It took me a long time to get here and I want the whole world to know!

US Transplant Games

This past weekend my family and I went to the US Transplant Games in Pittsburgh, PA. My father received the gift of life with a new kidney almost 5 years ago. This is the 1st year he participated in the Games. There were approximately 1500 althletes, all of whom received some kind of organ transplant. There were also some living donors there, as well as donor families. Then there were the the "spectors" - the families of the althelets and organ donors. There were easily a couple of thousand people at the Games.

I knew it was going to be an emotional weekend, but I did not expect to feel the way I did. Every athlete there was a winner. Some were given not just a second chance at life, but a third and fourth chance too. There was a woman who received 2 double lung transplants, and another girl who received 2 heart transplants, suffered 3 strokes and had to teach herself to read and write a couple of times in her life - and she wasn't even 18 yet. Both of these women even medalled at the games - swimming, running, etc. Then there were the donor families. Their stories made me tear up each time. These are the families that lost a loved one and in their time of sorrow gave the greatest gift of all.

My father hadn't been involved with anything regarding his transplant, except to contact the donor family. We met them once and they even came to my wedding (they are family now after all). But to see my father in his element was truly special. He was so excited to get to Pittsburgh that he was like Mario Andretti on the PA Turnpike. What a change in my father from 5 years ago. I am very proud of my father and was very excited for him this weekend.

The US Games are held every 2 years. Every "odd" year they are held worldwide. So, in 2009 - the Games will be held in Australia and in 2010 they will be held in Madison, WI. We are all planning on going again in 2010 and I can't wait.

A Love/Hate Relationship

I have come to the conclusion that pregnancy is like a love/hate relationship. There are things I love about being pregnant, and things I hate about it.

Things I love about pregnancy:

1. the fact that there is a human being growing inside of me. It boggles my mind. It is hard to grasp the miracle that pregnancy is. I feel so lucky that I get to experience this. A part of me feels bad for Frank b/c I get this experience and he gets to watch it.

2. my taste buds are enhanced. Good food tastes even better to me. So far fruit is the thing I crave the most. I live that it is cold and refreshing.

3. getting bigger. I am already showing and I love it. Maybe b/c I waited so long to get pregnant that I want the whole world to know. And maternity clothes are VERY comfortable.

4. bigger boobs. I was never "tiny" but I love the fullness of them. So does Frank, but that's for an x-rated blog. :-)

5. morning sickness. OK, so I don't LOVE it, but to me it says things are working.

6. the hopes and dreams for my child. I love thinking about names, who he/she will look like, if it is a he or she. It is all still amazing to me.

Things I hate about pregnancy:

1. Increased sense of smell. Even before pregnancy, I had a freakish sense of smell. Now it is worse.

2. constipation. Need I say more. Bran muffins and colace aren't working. Next on the list - prune juice (anyone have any other suggestions?)

3. waking up in the middle of the night. If one more person says to get my sleep now b/c I won't have it later, I'll deck them. I understand that the baby doesn't sleep, and I am trying to get my sleep now. But waking up the middle of the night to pee and then NOT being able to fall right back to sleep does not make me happy.

4. not being able to take anything for a cold. Colds are hard enough as it is, but to have to suffer through a cold just plain ole stinks!

5. the constant worry. I don't know if it b/c of my history (previous m/c) or if I'm just a worry-wart. The part I hate the most about pregnancy is that I'm always worrying something will happen to my baby. I'm afraid that everything I do or eat is harming my child. The fact that I'm spotting every couple of days (still brown) makes me more nervous. I know I was told that it is common and the reason for it, but it still doesn't make it any easier. I just want to know that my child is OK and healthy.

Being pregnant has taught me to slow down. I used to go, go, go all the time, and now I spend most of my time off my feet. I know a lot of this recently is b/c of the spotting. And, no exercise for me either - doctor's orders. I really wish I were given permission to at least go walking, but I know that staying off my feet as much as possible is good for the baby. I will do ANYTHING for this baby.

Please don't misconstrue my complaints as actual complaints. Like I said before, I am so lucky to be pregnant. After 2 years of trying and 2 years of disappointments, it really is a miracle. Infertility changed my live forever and I will never forget going through that.

NT Scan

I am 12 weeks, 2 days today. I also had my NT scan. This is one of the pictures from today. See Peanut waving to us? It was an experience I don't ever want to forget. We saw the baby kicking me, hiccup, waving to us, and just being a complete wiggle worm. We also heard the heartbeat for the first time. I wish I had a camera b/c Frank's face when we heard the heartbeat was priceless. I have never seen his face light up so much. It was so touching.

I was a little nervous b/c I had another scare last week (I've been slacking on updating my blog). Last Friday I had dark brown stuff on the toilet paper. It almost looked like tissue. We went back to the doctor ASAP that morning and had another u/s. Baby looked great. We were told that my placenta is growing and that it was covering the opening of my cervix. the doctor hoped that this would clear up on its own, hopefully by my 14th week, but this could go on until my 20th week. As long as everything stays brown, they aren't too concerned. I was told that this is pretty common. Thankfully, the spotting as stopped again (for now). I hope it stays this way.

So far the results we have gotten from the NT Scan are good - we were told the measurements are within the normal range, but we won't have answers until the blood test comes in. Also, I was told by my doctor that there is a 2nd part to the test, and that will be done at 16 weeks. So, I go back to the doctor in another couple of weeks for an u/s (they will do the 2nd part of the NT Scan, as well as measure the lining of my cervix) and then I will have another check-up.

Today was truly another miracle - I am still in awe. i can't stop kissing my pictures from today. I am already so in love with this baby!

A small scare

I had my first real scare this past weekend. thankfully, all ended well.

On Friday afternoon, I started having cramps. I wasn't too nervous about them b/c I have been having cramps off and on all along (I've been told they are normal). But, when I came home from work on Friday, there was a brown discharge. I called my dr. IMMEDIATELY. She told me that it was most likely nothing, but it could also be the start of a m/c. Not the words I wanted to hear, but it could be a reality. she also told me to stay off my feet and that if I started bleeding heavy, to call back and meet her at the ER. If not, come in on Monday for an emergency u/s. I cancelled my dinner plans for Friday night and my BBQ plans for Saturday. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably for the best b/c it was in the upper 90's since Saturday (with the heat index it was over 100). Way to hot for anyone, let alone a pregnant lady!

Poor Frank - he had to teach a class on Friday and couldn't be here with me. I understand and didn't even think of him cancelling (unless the bleeding got worse). My parents came to my rescue. I almost wasn't going to call my mom b/c I didn't want to worry her, but I'm glad I did. She immediately said that she was coming over to stay with me until Frank came home.

The rest of the weekend there was still some minor cramping (not as bad as on Friday), and the spotting was slowing down. I spent the rest of the weekend in bed or on the couch. I didn't even get up to water my plants (Frank did that for me).

I went to the doctor yesterday for my u/s. To say I was nervous is an understatement. Thankfully, all was good. The hb was at 174, and Peanut measured at exactly 11 weeks. The new picture of Peanut was AMAZING - you can see the tiny little nubs of arms/hands and legs/feet. So cute if I must say so. :-)

My blood pressure was elevated, but after a few minutes, it went back to normal (I chalk it up to nerves). The scale was also 4 pounds less than it was 2 weeks ago (I'm happy with that). My doctor didn't seem concerned about the blood pressure, or the weight loss. She told me that I can't do any form of exercise for another couple of weeks, and I can come off the prometrium until my next appointment, which is next week.

Whew - what a weekend!!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my 2nd wedding Anniversary! We didn't do much today - we went out for a very nice dinner on Saturday night.

However, I got an extra special anniversary treat. I had my first OB appointment today - and I got to see Peanut again. It was a very informative appointment, all looks good, and then I got to have another u/s. Peanut's heartbeat measured at 179 - nice and strong, and we are measuring right on schedule - I am 9 weeks pregnant.

It still boggles my mind to think that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. That's CA-RAZY!!! As a special treat today, my mom came with me. Frank had to work, so she asked if she could go instead. She can't stop thanking me for going b/c she also got to see Peanut's heartbeat. She was amazed that I was able to see it so quickly (I also knew what I was looking for).

I was told today that due to my age and other past history, I am going to be considered "high risk". I was told the only difference with this is that I will be going for more appointments that the regular monthly appointments. this is fine with me, I would rather be monitored more closely. Also, I can stop the PIO and only use the progesterone supplements twice a day for two more weeks. Woo Hoo! My butt is very grateful! LOL

As for how I'm feeling: the nausea is subsiding and I'm not as tired as I had been. My doctor thinks that this is from the progesterone. And, I'm still giddy that I'm pregnant.

I graduated!!

Today I graduated from my RE's office. It was very bittersweet. I have been with this practice since February 2007 so it was sad to say "good-bye" to everyone. They have been such a huge part of my life for so long (I saw them more often than I saw my own family). But, it was also very excited b/c I was leaving for a very good reason. Never in a million years did I think I would be the one to graduate.

I was told to come back and visit them, which I will do. They are moving the office I went to, so I told them that I want to see their new digs.

Peanut has a very strong heartbeat, but was a little uncooperative while having its picture taken today, so it was hard to get a good measurement. We are still measuring 2 days behind, which has been consistent for 3 weeks now. The doctor is not concerned, especially b/c the baby has a strong heartbeat. We are lowering the PIO to 1/2 cc a day, and I still have to take the prometrium. It was so cool seeing how big Peanut got during the week, and it was also incredible seeing that flicker on the screen.

My first OB appt. is Tuesday. I have a ton of questions, and was told to ask them to keep monitoring my progesterone level, which is fine by me. I will take any precaution necessary.

As for how I'm feeling: tired, I even wake up tired. My boobs are constantly sore, but it is tolerable. And, I'm nauseous. I eat saltines before my feet even touch the floor in the morning. I haven't gotten sick yet, but the nausea is more often. It is hard to plan means b/c even though I pack my lunch thinking that's what I'll want to eat, but lunch the thought of what I brought nauseates me. The coolest "symptom" of all is that my lower abdomen is starting to get hard. It still amazes me. But, as "bad" as I feel, I'm still giggling b/c I get to experience this. I have said it before, and I will keep saying it: even though this was the outcome we always hoped for, never did I think I would actually experience it. It really is a miracle.

Tagged!

My friend, Lisa at Helping Make Sense has tagged me, so, here goes!


4 Things I did 10 Years Ago - 1998


1. Was living in my own apt. in North Jersey
2. Started working a 2nd job
3. Got my first cat Tigger
4. Met some amazing friends


4 Things I did 5 Years Ago - 2003

1. After a long struggle, paid off my debt
2. Bought my 1st condo
3. Watched my dad receive his kidney and a got a new lease on life
4. Was working at the job I have today


4 Things I did Yesterday


1. Came to work
2. E-mailed with some friends
3. Prayed that Peanut would be OK
4. Read my book



4 TV Shows I Love to Watch

1. The Office
2. American Idol
3. 90210
4. How I Met Your Mother


4 Things I Love to Do

1. Read
2. Watch TV
3. Spend time with my nephews
4. Spend time with my family and friends


Now, I tag: Gretchen at Your Average Infertility Blog; and Amy at Make It Grand

Update

So, we got to see Peanut again. Peanut is growing and has a strong heartbeat. I was told to make an appointment with my OB (which I already made), and if all continues to go well, I will be released next week! Wow! That will be such a bittersweet appointment. While it is good news to be graduating, it will be a little sad b/c these doctors, nurses and office staff have been a part of my life for over a year.

Oh, and while I'm taking the PIO and prometrium, I was told I could start decreasing the PIO dosage - that are starting to ween me off.

Here are some pictures of Peanut.

The 1st picture is the 4 embryos that were transferred in me. One of these stuck. The 2nd picture is from today's u/s.

Heartbeat

We went back to the doctor today for another u/s. This time we saw the heartbeat! We are so excited! I was so nervous I almost passed out. I was even afraid to look at the monitor. But, lo and behold, there it was - the flickering on the screen. I asked the doctor to measure the heartbeats and it measured between 120 and 130, which he said was good.

I go back next week, and if all continues to go well, we will talk about making an ob/gyn appt.

When I left one of the nurses wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I had been thinking about it, but it didn't really hit me until that moment. Wow! This year I get to celebrate Happy Mother-To-Be Day!

As for how I'm feeling - still nauseous (but haven't thrown up yet), still tired a lot. The "girls" have gotten bigger and are still sore. Yesterday started with a metallic/bad taste in my mouth. Oh, and I'm also starting to be forgetful. And, I've already started showing, although that could also be b/c of the progesterone that I'm still taking.

So, unless something changes, I will update again last week.

Thank you for all the prayers - we aren't out of the woods yet, so please keep them coming!

Happy New Year!!!

I'm going to let you in on my little secret.

Shhhhhh. . . . I'm pregnant.

I went to the doctor today for my first pregnancy u/s and we saw the gestational sac with the little yolk in it. My doctor said that everything is right on schedule. As of today, I am 5 weeks 4 days pregnant. Our EDD is December 29, 2008. Happy New Year!!!

We go back next week where we will hopefully see the heartbeat.

I have known for a couple of weeks now. I tested on Friday, April 18 and got a VERY faint line. It was one of those that if you turned the stick the wrong way, you might not see it. But, I took 2 more on Saturday and two more on Sunday. There was no denying - I was pregnant. The question remained on how high my beta would be. The 1st one was 107, the 2nd was 197 and the third was 436. All great numbers. My progesterone has been a little low, but my doctors are watching it closely.

As far as how I'm feeling - the puppies are still sore, still have some cramping, I'm tired all the time (it is worse at like 3/4:00 in the afternoon). I get up once during the night to use the restroom. Some days the heartburn is bad, other days, nothing. I've been nauseous, but nothing I can't handle. And I have VERY happy to have these symptoms.

For the first time EVER, I was able to tell my family in person. B/c of the infertility treatments, nothing has been a secret. Well, since the line on the HPT was so dark, I felt comfortable making my announcement on the Saturday before my beta test. I told my parents separately. My mom was excited, but "cautiously excited". I got my dad good. We had been sitting outside and he was going back in the house. I asked if he was coming back out, and he said "are you writing a book". I said yes. His standard response is usually: well, make it a mystery. This time he said, yeah, what's the title. I responded with: It's called, I'm Pregnant. It took a moment for it to register. Once it did, he was also very excited.

We are so over the moon, but still cautious - we still have a long road ahead of us. But for now, I am trying to enjoy every minute of being pregnant.

How am I feeling?

Well, since I want to chronicle everything (ok, almost everything) I'm going through, I'll give an update. Please note that I am NOT complaining. I just don't ever want to forget everything that I have gone through.

Since Monday, I am nauseous in the morning, and again around 5:00. Nothing horrible, just a little off. I have learned that I feel better after I eat something. My boobs have been constantly hurting, but I know that is from the estrogen (those stopped hurting for about 2 days this entire cycle). I'm also feeling crampy. It isn't constant cramps, and the cramping is worse at night (I know this could also be a result of the PIO). I have gotten up to pee at least once a night (some nights more) every night since the retrieval. Oh, and I have had at least 1 attack of heartburn a day. Oh, and the sides by my hips are sore from the PIO shots.

And now for the humor: The other night I had a very weird dream. I had a dream that I was going to get "intimate" with Steven Sanders from 90210. Now, the intimate part never came to be - but STEVE SANDERS! I know I've been watching a lot of 90210 lately, but sheesh. Out of all the guys on that show I had to pick him? I must be losing my mind!!

And, when I was in the car the other day, I heard "Don't Stop Believing" and did everything I could just to keep it together. It made me think that this is probably the theme song for this cycle. At the ever beginning when we were cancelled, I couldn't believe it. I never gave up hope and look at how far I've come (so far).

I don't know how I'm going make to the Beta test and then hopefully to the ultrasounds. I really want to if all of these unpleasant "symptoms" I have really are symptoms, or if I am just plain crazy and these are all made up.

Another small miracle

I got a call from my doctor's office this morning - we have 1 embryo that made it to freezing. I am in shock and so excited! I was told by one of the embryologists that only about 15% of embryos make it to freezing - the fact that we have 1 is another miracle in this crazy cycle. In the 2 previous IVF cycles we've had, none have made it as far as freezing. In fact, because of my previous history, I completely forgot that today was the deadline for freezing (meaning that the remaining embryos had to continue growing to today to make it). This must be one really strong embryo to make it this far. I hope that the 4 transferred back to me the other day are just as strong.

As for how am I feeling? Nervous. A little crampy (normal from the meds I'm taking). I have sore boobs (that's from the estrogen and "normal" for the meds I'm taking). The sides of by butt are sore from the PIO shots. But, it is all for the greater good (or at least I hope so).

pregnant until proven otherwise

That is basically how I have to treat my body for at least the next couple of weeks.

Yesterday they transferred 4, 8-cell, Grade A embryos. Grade A is the best grade. I think in our previous two ETs I have only had 1 or 2 grade As. So, to have 4 for 1 transfer is amazing. We are feeling very optimistic. Even Frank is starting to show some excitement. He was excited that he got to put on his scrubs to go in the room with me yesterday. What was pretty cool was that the doctor and one of the nurses showed him on the ultrasound screen where they placed the embryos. In hindsight, I should have asked for a printout of that, but I was so nervous at the the time I was shaking.

And, I'm feeling great! I haven't felt this good at this stage of the game for our last two cycles. Even the PIO's aren't bothering me. The last time we did the PIO's I yelped with each shot (they go in the behind). But this time, it isn't that terrible. I might even be able to endure it for the next couple of weeks.

Both yesterday and today I will be on bedrest and the I will be slow moving for another week to give my little embryos a chance to implant and STICK! Also, I have to stick to the rules of pregnancy - food restrictions, no swimming (too cold for that) and no physical activity (at least for the time being). But, it is all for the greater good.

Transfer is today

Well, today is our ET - a Day 3 transfer. As of this morning, there are still 7 embryos still growing, which is GREAT news. The reason why we are doing it today is so they can do assisted hatching (putting a little crack in the outer shell of the embryo to help it grow). So, they are transferring 4 little embryos into my uterus this afternoon.

I am soooo nervous, but so excited! It is going to be 70 degrees today and it is sunny and beautiful. A perfect Spring day - and Spring is the season of blossoming and things fertilizing. A perfect day to get pregnant.

I don't know how much I'm going to post in the next couple of weeks. Frank and I haven't decided how soon we are going to tell people if we are pregnant. We haven't been able to make it past the 2nd Beta test, so I think we are feeling a little superstitious. Once we tell our family and closest friends, then I think I will post our positive or negative results on here.

Fertilization Report

So, out of 13 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized. I am so very excited. As of now, a Day 3 transfer is still planned, but I won't know for sure until Thursday morning.

Now we have to do the Grow Embryos Grow Dance! If I weren't so sore, I'd have my dancing shoes on.

Lucky 13

At least, I hope 13 is a lucky number and that 3rd times a charm. My doctor retrieved 13 eggs today. That is the most I have ever had. But, I have to wait until late tomorrow morning to see how many were mature and how many fertilized.

I am SOOOO sore though. I have never been this sore. ugh! I am still planning on going to work tomorrow, but I don't expect to be moving around much.

I was told that my ovaries will be sore and I will be bloated for about a week (lucky me!). I know it is all for the greater good.

Tomorrow I start the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. Those are intramusculare (aka - in the butt). Ouch!

I will update tomorrow when I have any knews. I hope it is good news!!!

Egg Retrieval is on Monday!!

Just a quick update.

ER is on Monday. The doctor today measured 11 good follies today - there was only 1 10, the rest were either 15, 17 or 18. I wish they would grow a little bigger before ER, but beggars can't be choosers. I trigger tonight at 10:00, go in tomorrow morning for one last blood test and get my pre-op instructions.

I am so excited you have no idea. Just one week ago I thought we were cancelled, and now here we are with more follies than I have ever had at this stage before. Everytime I leave the doctor's office I start humming the Rocky theme - Rocky may have been down, but he was never out. This is how I feel. Just the fact that we have gotten to this point is a miracle in itself.

I want to thank everyone for all their prayers and support. But, please keep them coming - it isn't over yet!

We're Improving

Well, things are definitely improving.

My endometrium lining has gone from 6 (on Monday) to 7.6 (Wednesday) to 9.8 (today). Very good sign! The thicker the better.

I have 7 follicles on the right, the largest being a 15. There are 3 smaller ones, so I’m kind of discounting those. On my left I have 6, the largest being a 16.

Unless I hear something different later, I take the same dosage of medicine and go back in tomorrow. IF, all continues to go well, the earliest my retrieval will be in on Tuesday.
I can't believe it. I have gone from none to 13 in less than a week.

Also, there are other "issues" this morning that I don't recall having before. When I asked the nurse about it, she said it was a sign of a good estrogen level. I won't discuss this b/c it really is too much information.

Please keep those vibes and prayers coming. They're working.

Once again, if I hear something different, I'll update this post.

9 follicles

I had 9 follicles measured today. The smallest being a 9, the largest being a 13 (with some 10's, and 11 and 12's in between). Go me!!! LOL There was also a really small one on my left that wasn't even measured.

I was floored. When I said to the doctor, you do realize I have never had 9 follicles this early in the game she said yes, this is a good step. She also said that as long as my follicles continue to grow and my estrogen levels increase accordingly (the estrogen is always the problem) we are still on track for IVF.

I am to continue with the dosage as I have been taking and I go back on Friday.

I guess being hooked up with jumper cables at acupuncture helped!

C'mon follies and estrogen level!!

really cool acupuncture appt. today

Today when I went for my acupuncture appointment, on two of the needles she placed these electrodes (the needles were kinda near where my ovaries). This is supposed to help stimulate my ovaries (don't I need that right about now). It was cool - it almost looked like the machine that is used to jump start your battery. It felt weird too b/c the needle would vibrate. Anyway, whatever it was, I'm starting to feel the discomfort by my ovaries that I am usually feeling right about now.

Of course, I won't know if this actually worked until I go for my next monitoring appointment. Wish me luck!!

Mind Games

So, I went for my monitoring appt. today expecting to be told that even IUI was off. When I was getting my b/w done, the nurses were going through my file just to make sure they were running the right blood tests and there was a note in the computer that my IVF was converted to an IUI. Fine, expected that.

When I was having my u/s, today's dr. measured 8 follicles. Yes, 8. I don't think I have ever seen 8. They were all small (2-6's, a couple of 7's and an 8), but there were 8 follicles (I guess that's why I was calling them chicklets). So, I asked the doctor some questions about triggering for IUI, what would we do different for the next IVF cycle and she looked at me strange. I told her that the Dr. on Saturday told me this was converted. Today's Dr. told me that it isn't over yet - I need to take my meds for 2 more days, start the cetrotide tomorrow and go back on Wednesday! (Cetrotide will keep me from ovulating).

OMG!!! My head is spinning! Of course, I fully expect a phone call later telling me something different (they have to wait for my b/w results and all the doctors meet on Monday's to discuss their IVF patients). But still!! To go from, you are most likely cancelled to you might still be on!

I said it is almost like having your boyfriend break up with you and then 2 hours later saying he wants you back!!

I will update again IF I hear anything different.

A word to the wise

A quick word to the wise - NEVER get your hair done when you are upset.

I should mention that I got the disappointing news yesterday when I was about 2 minutes away from my hair dresser.

I got my hair colored the way I wanted, but when she asked what I wanted to do with the style, I said CUT IT. My hair wasn't super long to begin with, but I wanted it even shorter.

I LOVE my hair dresser. She knew I was upset and she would not let me do it. She did cut some off, but she wouldn't go as short as I wanted her to go. She knew I was feeling reckless and she stopped me.

Oh, and I love the way it looks. The front is the same, but my back is shorter.

Feeling Better

I am in a much better place today. We still don't know what we are going to do going forward, but at least I don't feel so hopeless. We are considering going for a 3rd opinion, but haven't made that final decision. We don't know if we should go for donor egg. We don't know if we should start the adoption process and use our last 2 egg retrievals.

We are concerned about the costs of adoption and I have made no secret of that. Today, my mom told me something that sent me into another round of tears. She told me that Frank and I don't have to worry about the costs of adoption. Not only will my parents help us, but our cousins will help too. She said that back in December my cousins told my parents that they would lend us the money to help us adopt if needed. What makes this even more touching is that their only child passed away when he was 23 years old. Their gesture of lending us the money has touched me more than I can even describe. I hope that we won't need it, but just knowing it is there . . . , well, you get the idea.

I mentioned the word hopeless before. I never realized how powerful the word "hope" is. Hope is what keeps me going - I keep hoping that I will get pregnant and stay pregnant. I keep hoping I will have a baby. Until there is no hope, I will not stop trying.

Not a good day

Today's monitoring appt. did not bring good news. First, the follicles weren't even big enough to be measured. And then I got the phone call from the doctor with my b/w results - my estrogen level is dropping (not surprising since I was told to stop taking estrogen). But, she said I had a better response when I didn't take the estrogen before starting the stim. shots (the estrogen before stims was recommended to me by our 2nd opinion dr.). So, IVF #3 is cancelled. I was told to take my meds for 2 more days and MAYBE we will be able to convert it to an IUI, but if I still don't have a good response on Monday, everything is cancelled, I will wait for AF and try again, this time going right to stims.

To say I'm disappointed and upset is an understatement. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. All I want is a baby. Why is it so hard? Is someone trying to tell me something? Is this a case of those dreaded words "It's Not Meant To Be"?

I don't even know if I want to go for an IUI, it hasn't worked before. But, being the sadist that I am, I feel you just never know. Frank's been taking vitamins to help his sperm quality, so maybe there is that one sperm that will make it.

Needless to say, Frank and I have a lot to talk about - do we do donor egg or do we do adoption (we can't afford both). Do we start the adoption process and in the meantime use up our last 2 egg retrievals? I wish I had the right answer.

Not much of an update

There really isn't much of anything to report. I went for my Day 4 b/w today. I am still on the same dosage as before and I have to go in on Saturday morning for more b/w and an u/s. I'm curious to see what the u/s will show (hopefully lots of growing follicles) b/c I'm feeling a little bloated. I know I'm eating a little more than I should, but there is no way I would be feeling like this from food. I hope the bloated, a little twinge here and there, is a good sign.

Also, I am going for acupuncture twice this week.

I forgot how draining it is to get up early every other day (soon to be every day) to go to the doctor to be poked and prodded. I just have to keep up my mantra - it's for the greater good, it's for the greater good.

Here we go!!

So, AF started yesterday. I went to my dr. today for my Day 2 b/w and u/s. Unless I hear differently, we start our shots tonight and Frank starts his antibiotics. We are starting with 450 Follistim + 2 menopur. This isn't are largest dosage - last time we did 450 Follistim + 3 menopur - so this leaves us a little bit of "wiggle" room this time. We do this dosage for 2 days and then I go back on Thursday for just b/w. Frank and I are very excited to get started again. For now we just do shots and pray. I think there will be a lot of praying coming from our household over the next couple of weeks.

Other than that - work has been crazy (this is our busy time of year). Our Easter was good. Frank's sisters came to our house for the first time on Saturday and it was a nice lunch. On Sunday it was just Frank and myself and it was a really good day. We just relaxed and hung around the house. I made a ham (only the 2nd time I have done that) and it came out great. What was even better was we that we had our Easter dinner in our sweats in front of the TV. Doesn't get much nicer than that!

How did I know?

Since I hope a part of my blog will help people understand infertility, I should probably answer the question of how did I know there was an issue?

Years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis (scar tissue that surrounds the ovaries, etc.). I hadn't had a problem in years, but I always thought I would have a problem having a baby. As soon as Frank and I started TTC, I started using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor to help determine when I ovulate.

After 7 cycles and nothing happening, I called my OB/GYN to see if we could figure out why I wasn't pregnant yet. My OB/GYN ran a bunch of tests and myself and Frank. For me it was bloodwork on certain days of my cycle, internal ultrasounds and an HSG and for Frank a sperm analysis. (As a side note, an HSG is when they shoot dye into your uterus to see if you have any blockages in your tubes. The procedure lasts only a couple of minutes.) I was shocked when all of my tests came back good (the HSG was clear!). However, we were told that Frank's SA (sperm analysis) wasn't terrific. It seems that his sperm would rather float than swim. Apparently, this is very common. After we received these results, we were recommended to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). And the rest, as they say, is history.

Getting closer . . .

I went for a progesterone blood test today and everything looks good. I was able to start my estrogen today (part of my new protocol). I will take the estrogen until my 2nd day of stimming, and then I'll start again after my retrieval.

Now all I have to do is wait for AF and then I will go back for my Day 2 b/w and u/s and get my schedule and the rest of my protocol. If all goes well, this will happen in one week or less.

I can't believe how emotionally vested I am in this already. I'm trying to remain calm, but it is already creeping into my every other thought. Deep breaths, deep breaths . . .

What happens if it doesn't work?

I have such a supportive group of family and friends and for that I am very grateful. But the question remains, what if we can't have children? I know there is always adoption, but the chances of us adopting are pretty slim (since we are both older).

My parents left us a message on our wedding video during the "interviews" that they want us to have lots of babies. But, what happens if we can't have babies? I know my mom is being supportive and optimistic by saying that we can always adopt if I can't biologically have a child, but she has never said to me, it's OK if you can't. We'll still love you. A part of me feels like this is just adding to the "pressure" of having children.

And, I'm not trying so hard to have a child just to please her. I want a child so MH and I can pass along our values, strengths, humor, life lessons, etc. to that child. I want our lineage to carry on. MH is such a wonderful caring man, that it would be a shame to not have that carry on.

What happens if it doesn't work? I hope to not have to find out the answer to this, but until I get a positive pregnancy test and STAY pregnant, this question is always on my mind.

pneumonia

I have pneumonia. I'm in shock. I wasn't feeling well for the past couple of weeks - I had that ever-lasting cough. On Sunday we have my family over to celebrate my dad's b-day. But after everyone left, I felt like I was having an asthma attack so I asked Frank to take me to the hospital (I had already used my nebulizer and it didn't work). After a breathing treatment and chest x-rays, the doctor said that my lungs aren't as clear as she would like them to be. So, I was put of out work until Wednesday and am on a really high dose of antibiotic. Thankfully, after the 1st dose of antibiotic and the breathing treatment, I started to feel better. The coughing has subsided for the most part (I'm not annoying myself with all the coughing) and I can take a deep breath without coughing.

And that's what's been happening in my world.

Oh, my big 'ole box of meds for our next IVF cycle are supposed to be delivered today - Yipeee!!! All I can say is, thankfully I have insurance that covers this.

Back in the saddle again . . .

I had my Sonohysterogram this morning - all is clear! Yay! I talked with the nurse afterwards and they are going to order my medications for my next cycle. I am so excited! It has been such a long road to get to this point.

Of course, now there is a whole other list of worries - will I produce enough eggs to do IVF; if I get to IVF will the egg quality be good; will I get pregnant; will I stay pregnant? I'm trying not to think of those questions/worries right now. I am trying to stay positive - I know in my heart that I'm doing everything I can (except lose 50 pounds). At this point, it is mostly in G-d's hands.

I don't know how many people read my blog, but if you do, if you could please add Frank and I to your prayers, we would really appreciate it. Oh, and thanks for reading!

A quick update

Yippee!! I went to the doctor today - first time I was up at the crack of dawn to be poked and prodded in a long time. I was told that my ovaries look good. I go next Tuesday morning for my Sonohysterogram. At that point I will be told when to start the estrogen and when to come in for my progesterone check.

If all goes well, I will start stimming in approximately 28 days!

Please keep your fingers crossed for us.

An exciting weekend!

Ever since we bought our new condo, I have wanted a new fridge. We currently have a side-by-side and I can't even fit a 10 in. ice cream cake in the freezer. This weekend we went out and bought one (a stainless steel, french door, freezer on the bottom, GE profile). But, instead of stopping there, we went and decided to replace all of our kitchen appliances. So, add to the fridge a new range (with 5 burners), an over the stove microwave (both GE) and a new dishwasher (whirlpool). Yes, all in stainless steel. I am most excited about the fridge b/c I may actually be able to put stuff in it .

So, now I just have to wait for the installer to call and hopefully we will have everything delivered and installed by next week.

Nothing new to post on the infertility front. Hopefully I will have some news in the next couple of days.

Bitter Betty?

Have I really become that bitter and jealous? I knew I was a jealous person, but I don't think I realized how much until today. I really get upset when someone announces they are pg. While I am happy for them that they are blessed, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. And, to make matters worse, I am always so sure that someone I know is pregnant and I get myself all in a tizzy worrying about it. My heart starts to race. When did I become like this?

I belong to a message board and almost every Friday there is another pregnancy announcement. Those break my heart a little bit more with each announcement. But when I see the ones that say that it was a surprise, I want nothing more than to throw my computer out the window. And then, to see these women complain about every little thing about being pregnant, I really want to go up to them and slap them upside the head and tell them to SHUT UP!! They have no idea what I wouldn't give to be able to complain about some of those things. Being able to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth is such a blessing.

And there is the "mom's club". People who feel that b/c I was never pregnant and gave birth that I would have no idea what they are experiencing, decide to leave me out of the conversation or not include me. Oh, and then there are the people that don't send me pictures of their children, don't invite me to their child's baptism, etc. b/c they are afraid it is going to hurt my feelings. Do they not realize that this hurts my feelings even more?

Like I said, when did I become such a bitter person?

1 year, 9 months

Well, I got the approval from my insurance company last night for my next round of IVF (it was mailed to me by my doctor). I really wasn't expecting a problem with this, but it is always nice to know. On the request sheet though it said that we had been TTC for for 1 year and 9 months.

I knew we had been TTC for a while, but I stopped counting a long time ago. I know that we have been with my fertility clinic for 1 year, but this was almost like a slap in the face.

It is 1 year and 9 months of heartbreak, 1 year and 9 months of disappointment, 1 year and 9 months of watching everyone else get pregnant and you wondering "what is wrong with us", 1 year and 9 months of hearing "relax", "you can adopt", "it will happen", and the long list of other things people try to say to make you feel better when it only hurts more. 1 year and 9 months of trying not to seem obsessed trying to get pregnant when it is your every other thought.

I still can't believe that it has been 1 year and 9 months and we have nothing to show for it, except about 30 extra pounds thanks to IF medications, lots of tears and heartache.

The one good thing - I know that I am a stronger person for all that I have endured. I have also met an amazing group of women who unfortunately know the same heartache that I have experienced. I will never be able to thank those women enough for listening to me for at least 1 year and 2 months.

The Loooooong Road Ahead

I promised to write again after my dr. appointment, and here I am.

Things went better than I expected, but it is going to take longer than expected. After meeting with my doctor, they ran a couple of tests to update my records (since it's been a year since most these were done). Once AF shows up again, I have to go for my Day2/3 bw (bloodwork), and u/s (ultrasound) and schedule a Sonohysterogram (SHG) (basically they shoot saline solution you know where just to make sure everything is clear). Then I will start on estrogen pills. Once AF shows up again the next month, we can start the injections again.

So, if all goes well, then we will be on our way to our third IVF.


I am a little nervous, but I also have a good feeling about this cycle. I have changed my eating habits, I have started acupuncture (yes, I saw the article/news about acupuncture and infertility), I am taking additional vitamins, and I have even started eating some organic foods. I will do ANYTHING to make sure the next pregnancy sticks. If it doesn't work this time, then I will just have to accept those hateful words of "it's not meant to be" (more on this subject later).

I am happy that even though my life is still somewhat on hold, we are finally on our way again.

It's been awhile . . .

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. There have been a couple of updates. First, I started acupuncture. I know a couple of people have done acupuncture for infertility and it worked, so I thought I would give it a shot (no pun intended). I have only had 2 sessions, but so far I love it. It is very relaxing. It has also given me another sense of hope (at least a little bit).

Also, I have an appointment next week to meet with my doctor to discuss starting again. I think 5 months is a long enough break. I am tired of putting my life on hold because we don't know what is going to be. Frank and I would like to take a couple of vacations this year, but we don't know if we are going to be pregant or not, so those plans are on hold.

Am I scare to try again? Most definitely. I honestly don't know how I will react if our third IVF doesn't work, or if I miscarry again. I don't know if I will ever recover from that. But, the pull to be a mom is greater than the fear. I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for, so I will have to rely on the inner strength to get through this.

That's it for now. I will probably update again after my appointment.

Welcome

Hi and welcome to my blog. I decided to start a blog in order to write down everything going through my head.

First, a glimpse as to what my husband and I have gone through up to this point (I will try to be as brief as possible):

After ttc (trying to conceive) for almost 7 cycles, in January 2007 we had our first appointment with our ob/gyn. After running some tests, it was determined that we needed to see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) i.e., fertility specialist. After our first meeting with them, we went on to have 2 cycles of Clomid plus IUI (intra-uterine insemination). These all resulted in no pregnancy. We then tried 3 cycles of injectible medicines plus IUI, which also resulted in no pregnancy. In June/July 2007, we went through 1 cycle of IVF (in-vitro fertilization). This resulted in a chemical/non-viable pregnancy (i.e., miscarriage). To say were were devestated was an understatement. In September 2007, we had our 2nd cycle of IVF. This too resulted in a chemical/non-viable pregnancy. We decided that we needed more time.

Which brings me to today. We are still on our break. I am trying to lose weight and will be starting acupuncture next week. I still don't know if we are mentally/emotionally ready to try again, but I'm also not ready to give up yet.

Thanks for keeping up with me so far. I hope you enjoy reading my blog.